Whole
by star-angel
Summary: Kes' thoughts on Tom during one of her leaps. It has a P/T element...


Title : 'Whole '  
Author : Star Angel   
E-mail : star_angel11015@hotmail.com  
Feedback : my sustenance  
Summary : coda to 'Before and After' : Kes' thoughts at the Luau.  
Disclaimer : yes, of course they're mine...okay no, they're not. But they could be someday...right? *pout*  
  
  
The feeling is becoming familiar now, less uncomfortable but no less frustrating. It seems that every time the doctor has come close to some solution, every time I can be helped, I leave the timeline, jump into the past. I must have jumped at least ten times now although it feels like a hundred. I am not usually a person who loses their temper quickly but the situation is becoming desperate and I feel like yelling my lungs out in frustration.  
  
No, I musn't. I should focus my energy into something productive. During my previous jumps, the two people who've helped me the most were doctor Van Gogh and Tom, my husband. I don't know where...when I am now but if my previous experiences are any indication, those two are the ones I must rely on now.   
  
I search for them with my eyes, more than a little confused by my surroundings. We don't seem to be on the Voyager anymore, in fact we're outside. Maybe we're on shore leave. Many members of the crew are present with me. We also seem to be near a beach. The building behind me is simple yet festive, all the doors are open so the warmth of the surroundings travels inside. The hot sun is beating on my face but it's not as uncomfortable as it should be. Perhaps it's artificial, a simulation of heat. My mind flashes back to the brief tour Tom gave me of the ship. Yes, the holodeck. That must be it.   
  
I've scanned every corner of the resort, searching for Tom all the while, and he was practically under my nose. He's the life of the party, entertaining a small group of friends a few feet away. I make my way through the colorful décor, passing by the scantilly clad waiters and waitresses and the happy crewmembers milling about towards him, my salvation. I feel my heart beating faster as I approach. He's younger, he seems more happy, more energetic. This must be before the, how did he refer to it...? The year of hell. I shiver at the image of how sad my future Tom seems, especially compared to the one I'm seeing now. I pray to the deities that I may somehow prevent this tragedy while saving myself.  
  
-"Tom!" I see him smile as he bids farewell to his group and turns to me. My heart swells slightly and I smile back, partly relieved that I've found someone who can help, partly happy to have found *him*.   
  
My mind flashes again to the few memories I have of my life, of the life we shared. Holding our grandson, talking about our wedding day, how happy I've made his life, giving birth to our child, his hands reaching out to me, trying to touch me even as a forcefield separates us. I don't know if I've had many encounters with other men but he's all I've known of companionship, all I've ever known of...love. Well, maybe not love yet but a strong feeling that could become what I've seen. I could love him, so easily and I know he could too.   
  
-"Hey Kes!" But it's obvious that we've not reached that point yet: the previous warmth and intimacy of his greetings is missing. But I have to remember we're still in the past, we could still be...  
  
-"I have to talk to you..."  
  
-"Sorry I'm late!"   
  
A new voice calls out to us behind Tom and we both turn to see who it is. A young woman, very beautiful, of a race I've never seen before. I haven't encountered her in any of my previous jumps, she must be one of those who will die during that terrible year. I feel a knot of dread in my stomach as I think about it and how much rests on me. And then, the knot tightens and becomes a sharp pain, like a twisting knife. She rushes up to him and he beams, literally lights up. I didn't think he could look happier but he does. She flashes him a brilliant smile as well, just as blissful as he. They embrace and kiss, briefly but slowly, full of care and love.   
  
I know her.   
  
-"You must be B'Elanna." I tell her quietly. Neither take notice of my grief, too wrapped in each other. I forgot that it was the year of hell, the death of this woman, that brought Tom and I together. She was someone very special, he'd said. Obviously, someone he'd once loved and, as I look back now, someone he will love still even while he's married to me.   
  
The way he looks at her...he never looked at me like that. He never will.  
  
I want to be angry but how can I blame him for loving her? And he does, everything in his eyes tells me so. She's his true love, his soulmate. Everything makes sense now. It makes me wonder if the reason he was so desperate to keep me with him, so desperate to make me love him again was just a way to keep the emptiness at bay. The emptiness left by her. He said that I was the one who showed him that life could be good again. I wonder if he only married me so he wouldn't have to be lonely. I wonder if he ever loved me.   
  
Maybe he did, in some way but never wholly. Never the way he loves her. She'll always have a piece of his heart, a piece I will never attain. I have to save her, to save him. I can't be selfish. If I truly care for him, I'll try to save her.   
  
It's the only way to make him whole again.  
  
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End file.
